


Lost One's Weeping

by Musical_Nobody



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dyslexia, High School, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sadstuck, Songfic, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24177481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musical_Nobody/pseuds/Musical_Nobody
Summary: So this is kinda a songfic.-Karkat Vantas knows something is wrong with him. But holy shit he just can't figure out English.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Kudos: 22





	Lost One's Weeping

**Author's Note:**

> This has implied davekat! Here's your tw for cutting, suicide, and it's referenced that Kankri used the r slur. He's kinda a dick in this.

You, Karkat Vantas, slice the doubting knife into your wrists, hissing out in pain as the dark crimson blood flows out of your darker skin. You can hear the garage open just as you feel it hit just right. You quickly stand up, the small pool of blood rushing down the drain with some water. You’re supposed to be doing your English homework. Not pitying yourself in the bathroom. He screams at you something in Spanish which you can’t hear. Dulled out by the loud ringing in your ears. You cry out softly as you run sink water over your cuts and bandage them up. Pulling your hoodie back over your head. It was soft. Rubbed up against the bandages weirdly, but hid them well. You trudged back to your room to pretend you were doing homework as you heard your father stomping up the stairs.

You knew your father loved you. But his screaming after his sermons got tiring. You were weak. His yelling and love grew into weapons, starting to hurt you. Your brother already called you the worst things. Repeatedly called you stupid and a, well you didn’t like to talk about it. This hurt was nonfiction, real life, reality. You hauled your ass into bed. The small bed on the other side of your shared room was just small enough that your body barely fit on it. Your wrists were trapped under your body. It hurt but that burning feeling was normal at this point. You drift to sleep knowing you have to wake up and go to school in the morning. You were not looking forward to it.

You woke up groggily. Overnight your bandages had been bloodied with new and fresh blood. Some dried, some almost seeming new. You went to the bathroom and ruffled your hair, replacing the bandages before going downstairs to your family. “How did you sleep?” You father said as he set toast in front of you. “Fine.” You replied as you started to eat the bland bread. “I for one slept amazing” Said your brother Kankri always finding an excuse to brag. “I dreamt about being out of this house and being away from Karkat.” He said smirking as he stood up to put away his plate. “After all I am the star student of the house” He said the smirk still present on his face. “Shut up Kankri.” You muttered as you got your bag and walked out of the house to his car.

Math was your first subject. It went by smoothly. The teacher understood you couldn’t read very well and always made sure to read out everything. Next was Chemistry. You loved Chemistry. You could always have your math partner list out what to do while you did the fun stuff. And your friend Dave was I that class. He was your cool Neighbor and just one of the boys you had a crush on. But then came English. Shit you were never good at English. You couldn’t read very well. The words and the grammar you could never figure out. The small letters always got mixed up. You just wanted a simple right or wrong. Something for you to know was right, but instead everything was always false. You never knew what to do. The teacher cared more about the other kids than you, so you sat I the back of the class, always wondering why you were so terrible at this class.

And today the homework sucked. You were supposed to write an ‘about you’ speech because the teacher saw most of the class didn’t know you. He knew something was wrong with you and still made you do it. This blank sheet of paper staring right back at me showed me that this presentation was going to be rocky. You were home and you couldn’t even think straight. All your other homework made you feel accomplished, content with the answers as you wrote them down, but this? This had you puzzled. You couldn’t type in the computer right. You couldn’t do anything. So, you used the speech to text on your computer and bullshit your way through the assignment. You couldn’t even get through the notecards, hastily writing scribbled notes about yourself. God you were so pathetic. You lived this life shamefully. You keep thinking, not sometimes, but always, about all the times you were sad and how many times you sat alone. God Karkat. You were so broken.

You can’t read the board today. It’s filled with words. A prompt you’re supposed to be writing about. It just looks like jumbles of letters. You need help. It’s written out in big letters. You raise your hand. The very tall teacher walks over. “What do you need Vantas?” He whispered. “I can’t read the board.” You say softly. “What the hell Vantas, I’ve done everything for you!” He says his voice getting louder. People are starting to look. Snickering from the cool kids. Why can’t he see? Why can’t he see that you long to read? He can’t see that your heart is starting to blacken. So tired of dealing with this. Who else could it be? “Why can’t I read the board?” You mutter. “I don’t know Vantas, but this is stupid! I’m not giving you special treatment!” He groans, his voice at normal speaking level now. “I can’t read it! Someone tell me why!” you yell. “Principles. Now.” The teacher says. The class breaks out into laughter. Your face is red.

You’re sitting in the office. A sour look on your face. You can’t believe this teacher sent you down here. Your arms are crossed. Your name gets called from the Sophomore principle. You know your dad is here. You know the whole school knows. And you know you’re about to get snappy with this principle. You begrudgingly walk back to the office. And there your dad is, the grumpiest look on his face. “Why am I here?” He growls. The principle sits down and gestures for you to sit down too. “Your son lashed out at his English teacher.” She says calmly. “Of course he did.” He growls again. “So we’ve decided that since this is the first time with this teacher he will get detention for a week” She says. There’s a large scowl on his face. You know you’ll get your ass beat when you get home. “Can I leave to go back to my work now?” He says snappily. “Uh, yes Sir.” She says, stunned.

Kankri teases you all the way home. Keeps calling you that stupid word. It makes you so mad. You just want him to run into a tree at this point. “SHUT UP!” You scream. You’ve had enough but Kankri just keeps laughing. Your anger is funny to him, you know that. You’ve had more than enough. You can’t take his teasing. “Can you solve the fucking question asshole?” You yell. “Ha yeah I can loser. I’m smarter than you’ll ever be. He says a giant smile on his face. Did his father really think this was okay? He was a preacher for God’s sake. Yet if anything he hated you. He wanted you dead. You knew that Kankri was the better son in his eyes. His straight eyes and perfect girlfriend. But you knew his secret. And you could ruin it all. But you swore that you wouldn’t tell. But now. It’s not like you cared now.

The detention days went by so slow. Kankri smirked every time you saw him in the hallway. His clique following his every move. Everyone knew what happened with the teacher. You started skipping his class, only adding more detention days. The principle finally gave up and gave you two weeks of detention. If he continued to skip she would permanently fail him. He didn’t care. He never cared. You started counting the days. Started to collect your fathers robe strings. You liked the feel of them. The silk was so sturdy. You hide. Hide from the gossip. Hide from their words. Knowing your soul and care for the world had long died. You had piles of English homework on your bed. You started sleeping on the floor. Your back hurt. Made you cry every time you woke. Your head was throbbing with every assignment you tried to complete. You hated this. All your privileges had been taken away. You couldn’t even see Strider. And you barely saw him at school. You were starting to miss him. Started to miss the flings you guys had on the weekends. God you were a mess.

You sat at home. Skipping school as a whole to try and work on some of the piling homework. Your head pounded. Your legs were in pain from sitting so long. You needed weed. You needed a smoke. A fuck. Anything. You wanted to break into Striders house and lay on his bed to wait for him, but the thought of Bro finding you scared that thought away. You can’t answer the question. Your head will not leave you the fuck alone. Doesn’t help you were hitting your head against the wall either. “Why can’t I do this?” You groaned as you ran your hands through your hair. You head was starting to develop this voice. This demon that sat on your shoulder. You wish you could escape the household. Just leave and lay out in the wet grass. Your thoughts kept getting to your head. Ready to knock yourself out with pills or alcohol, just something to quiet your head. Tomorrow, you kept saying. Tomorrow you’ll do this, tomorrow you’ll do that. You just can’t shut your empty promises up. “Somebody kill me.” You say quietly

“Just tell me how!” You cried to your father. “How to read?” He growled. “No way! You were supposed to learn this in kindergarten!” He said as you heard Kankri’s laugh in the background. You growled back before hearing a knock on the door. You escaped out of the invisible confines of your chair and bolted to the door. It was Dave. “Strider!” You gasped. “Hey Vantas, wanna hang?” He said softly, his cool kid voice gone. You didn’t even look behind you for permission before leaping out the door. “Come on Dave run!” You screamed as you grabbed his hand and ran to his car. You were sure Dave had no idea what was going on but you couldn’t care as you opened the passengers side of his white car and hopped in. He got in the driver’s side and turned it on, quickly pulling out of his driveway. “Where we going Vantas?” He said out of breath and panicked. “Wherever you want to babe I just need a smoke.” You said seeing him smile at the mention of babe. He handed you the dab pen and you pressed the button so fast, waiting for the wax to heat up before taking a long hit of it.

“School troubles?” Dave asks as you lay back in his seat. You nod. “Say the formula of area.” Dave says giggling like a school girl. And for once no words come out of your mouth. That feels like a kick in the gut when it shouldn’t. You’re just being sensitive that’s all. You can’t move, you can’t scream, you can’t speak. You just put on a fake smile and shake your head no. You know you need to get back home. But for now you just sit there with Strider and forget about your problems with kisses and weed.

You sit in your room. Panicked. Your head is swarming with thoughts. Your wrists hurt. You know you’re bleeding. You wish you could grow up and quit this bad habit. But what even is growing up at this point. You just know that you’re bleeding everywhere. On the carpet, on your pants, everywhere. Your family is bound to get home any second now. All of your dreams are dead. You sit there, your after high catching up to you. You feel like shit. No way of getting out of it. Who let him get this way? Your mind wanders. Kankri. You immediately blame. No wait your dad. You jump. But what about Dave and his snide remarks. You grab your notebook. It’s small but it does the job. You like the way it doesn’t dig ito your wrist with its bindings while you write. You start writing letter upon letter. To anyone who will care. Ripping them all out before standing up. A small plop is heard as blood trickles and falls to the floor.

You can’t care anymore. That’s why you’re doing this, you try to reason with yourself. But thoughts of Strider and what he said. All the R slurs thrown your way by Kankri. Your dad being so disappointed in you. You had had enough. You had pushed yourself to the edge. The silk ropes were tied together to form a long rope. You pulled out your shitty computer and googled how to tie a noose. You were surprised you didn’t know it by heart. Your blood seeped onto the keyboard, probably ruining the computer from the inside out. It’s not like you care now. Not one person cared. And you didn’t bother to either. You tied your makeshift rope and noose to the fan and grabbed a chair. Well there wasn’t much to say. You were crying, sobbing almost. You knew that this was all because you were stupid but for some reason you just had to place the blame on someone else. You saw Strider from your window. Jamming out in his car. And boy oh boy did he have no idea what was coming.

Dear Dave,

If you’re reading this, I succeeded in ending my own life. These letters will be short but there’s only one and it’s for you so here. I wrote other to my family but I ended up trashing them.

You were the only one who actually cared about me. The one who helped and let me hotbox in his car. Let me get out all my sexual frustrations out. Long nights staring at the ceiling wondering if I was gay for you. I figured out the answer after all this time. Yes. I am in love with you. But I know you will never love me back so I’m doing this. I’m also doing it for other reasons but man that’s one of the main ones. I guess I shouldn’t be joking around since I’m dead but man I hope I get into heaven. I’ll watch over you man I promise. Like I really hope you succeed in life without me holding you back. I love you Dave. I’m so sorry

Love,

KK

Kankri and Karkat kicked open the door to his room. Their screams were the last thing you heard before you took your final breath.

Can you even stop the rope from hanging him by his neck?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry y'all


End file.
